Thursday, November 27, 2008

Reflections Part 2

Esmé's Mommy here.

Remember that post I wrote about the twilight zone?

Well, I'm still in the twilight zone, thanks for asking... If anything, that darn music is only playing louder!

And how am I dealing with it? Well, I left off saying I choose to enjoy the moments - I choose joy! And I have been doing this. I've been finding incredible joy in those late night moments with Esmé; the sweet hugs and funny giggles and even the tears. The bunnies make me grin. The juicy mangos make my tummy happy. The landscape is turning vivid, vibrant green with recent rains.

I don't think about the twilight zone. I ignore it, and I am happy. Life is so busy that I can do this much of the time.

But when I slow down and am reminded of the twilight zone, I feel unsettled. I keep longing for resolution, for knowledge of the outcome. I am not embracing this particular aspect of my life, and that makes me feel guilty in a way.

Should I be embracing it? Relishing the fire that is searing my flesh in its refining process? Or should I keep longing? Longing for God's perfect will to finally, one day, be complete in me, and to finally understand why?

I felt a connection with Octamom's post regarding the seemingly senseless death of a young friend, a beautiful flower in God's garden, mowed down far too soon from our perspective.

Yet God has a plan, friends. It encompasses eternity. And in the vastness of eternity, the trials we deal with today are infinitely small. And one day, we will see how these infinitesimal trials all fit into His master plan.

On this, the day after Thanksgiving, I am thankful for a great God. I am thankful for His refining fire. But I do not want to stay here forever. I long to move on, and to know, and to get rid of this senseless twilight tune in my head.

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. 1 Corinthians 13:12


♥ Somebody Loved ♥ said...

I am pretty sure that I am in the Twilight Zone with you. I have been struggling and I find your words of wisdom comforting. I think we can find joy and choose to enjoy life without knowing the outcome, especially with a bit of encouragement from our friends.

Prasti said...

he is truly a great god. the time will come when everything will be made clear. thank you for reminding us that we are all part of his plan.

Edie said...

We are still in His hands and in His plans. I look forward with you to the day when the glass will not appear to be so dark. Praying for you too.

Octamom said...

Even in your questions, you present such wisdom. Walking forth in joy, even in the waiting, even in the unknown, is perhaps the strongest representation of trust.

praying for you~


dani said...

embrace this time for what it is (whatever it is;), j!!! you will look back soon enough and say, "oh...". just remember that wishing for a time that the glass is clear is wishing away time with your baby dear. time passes so quickly; just do what you are trying to do and "ENJOY"!!!
much love,

melissa s. said...

hugs and prayers to you. don't forget to lean on your caring community of blogfriends out here whenever you need to.

REAL ME said...

I have been in that Twilight Zone too very often. You are such a wonderful encouragement. You reminded me once again to stay in his word, sing it and it too will pass.

Pregnantly Plump said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I think calling it a "Twilight Zone" is perfect. I'm in the midst of a couple of them, and just want to crawl into a shell and wait for this period to be over so I can know what will happen. I made a conscious decision today to just not dwell on what I can't know, and it's been a much more pleasant day.
I'm going to choose joy with you.