Thursday, November 27, 2008
Remember that post I wrote about the twilight zone?
Well, I'm still in the twilight zone, thanks for asking... If anything, that darn music is only playing louder!
And how am I dealing with it? Well, I left off saying I choose to enjoy the moments - I choose joy! And I have been doing this. I've been finding incredible joy in those late night moments with Esmé; the sweet hugs and funny giggles and even the tears. The bunnies make me grin. The juicy mangos make my tummy happy. The landscape is turning vivid, vibrant green with recent rains.
I don't think about the twilight zone. I ignore it, and I am happy. Life is so busy that I can do this much of the time.
But when I slow down and am reminded of the twilight zone, I feel unsettled. I keep longing for resolution, for knowledge of the outcome. I am not embracing this particular aspect of my life, and that makes me feel guilty in a way.
Should I be embracing it? Relishing the fire that is searing my flesh in its refining process? Or should I keep longing? Longing for God's perfect will to finally, one day, be complete in me, and to finally understand why?
I felt a connection with Octamom's post regarding the seemingly senseless death of a young friend, a beautiful flower in God's garden, mowed down far too soon from our perspective.
Yet God has a plan, friends. It encompasses eternity. And in the vastness of eternity, the trials we deal with today are infinitely small. And one day, we will see how these infinitesimal trials all fit into His master plan.
On this, the day after Thanksgiving, I am thankful for a great God. I am thankful for His refining fire. But I do not want to stay here forever. I long to move on, and to know, and to get rid of this senseless twilight tune in my head.
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. 1 Corinthians 13:12