Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Twilight Zone

Esmé's Mommy hijacking the blog again...

You know that feeling you get when you’ve taken the diagnostic tests for a serious illness and are waiting for the results from the doctor’s office? Or when a relationship is falling apart at the seams and you are holding on for dear life to preserve it? Or when you know there are going to be layoffs at work and you’re waiting to see if you’re one of the ones with a pink slip? Or when a loved one is in surgery and you’re praying he makes it through? Or you've taken the entrance exam and are waiting to see if your score is high enough to get in?

That’s the feeling I’ve been having.

Blessed be Your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s all as it should be
Blessed be Your name…

…when the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord

I sing this song, and it makes sense to me. I am reconciled to the outcome of my situation, good or bad. I know God will get me through it, either way, and I choose to bless His name.

What I’m having a hard time with, though, is the twilight zone. That period where I’m not sure if the outcome will be bright or dark, and I just want to know. That period of hopes born and dashed again and again. I just want to be able to get on with my life. While I’m in the twilight zone, I have a hard time blessing His name and enjoying the moment.

Back at the end of September, Genny at My Cup 2 Yours challenged us to contemplate what we would do if we had only one month to live. I kept waiting for the end of my twilight zone so I could focus on that idea. After all, if you have only one month to live, you want to be able to take charge of that month, plan it, make a list of things to do and people to build relationships with, live the month according to plan, and know at the end of the month that you’ve met your goals and achieved the desired outcome. Right?

Wrong. I just realized that yesterday. That is exactly the point. If you are forever waiting and praying for things to come together and make sense and fall under your control, you will miss all your opportunities to enjoy each moment and live in a way that makes it count.

So how can I survive this twilight zone? Does the answer lie in surrendering my personal goals and objectives, as lofty and high and perfect as they seem to be? And then not sitting around waiting for answers, but acting, only with His goals in mind instead of mine? Realizing that they may be far different than mine, and may have their purpose in the journey rather than in the destination?

And so I choose joy, even in the twilight zone. And I choose to enjoy the moments, even though I’m not sure of the goals or the destination.

And I feel peace. Finally. Even with the twilight zone music playing loudly in my ears.

My One Month hosted by My Cup 2 Yours


perilloparodies said...

THAT is what I have been trying to share with you. It is NOT easy, but there is a reason we are to "Count it all joy..." 1 Corinthians 10:13 has always been an encouragement to me in trials. Only He knows, but this journey of surrender and trust has to lead to something good for so much work to be put into it. Trust in, CLING to, rely on, and believe in Him who loves us more than we can EVER know. He never fails. Praying WITH you on our journeys of surrendering and trusting...Celita

dani said...

surrender, take a deep breath, and enjoy, j!!!

sheila said...

Beautifully creative post. Trust/faith is the only way to get to where you need to be. Maybe with some patience

[Somebody Loved] said...

In your first paragraph you totally describe the anxious feeling I have quite often. Especially when thinking about my own mortality. I think growing up is realizing that you are in charge of nothing... and turning your life over to the Lord since he is the only one with a clue.
Thank you for making me think deep... even though this banging headache is making it tough to think at all. ToOdLeS.ShEiLA

angie said...

Quite possibly one of my favorite posts of yours. I'm still working on Genny's challenge.

Heather of the EO said...

So well said, lady.

I have been striving for this same perspective and find when I rise to the challenge and focus on what is lovely, it changes me.

Sometimes I'm too exhausted from the "twillight zone" to do that, and I have to forgive myself and try again.
Beautiful post!

grammy said...

I was singing that song just today (with the radio). My heart goes out to you even though I don't know what your 'twilight zone' is about. How about if I just pray instead of wanting to know everything (O: My daughter lived far away on the mission field. I know there are many things that can make you feel like your in the zone. She didn't have a child and hisband over there so she didn,t have that worry, but was at times lonely. Prayers go out...

Genny said...

I just have to thank you for the inspiration. I loved this. You write so beautifully and you have such a way of describing things.

I love how you said, "If you are forever waiting and praying for things to come together and make sense and fall under your control, you will miss all your opportunities to enjoy each moment and live in a way that makes it count." I want to always remember that.

Thank you so much for joining me in this!

Damselfly said...

Peace is so underrated. I'm glad you have it.

Elle said...

Great great one month post - wonderful insights
yes we need to stop planning and waiting and live today!

I am still working on my one month post - up soon I hope

Living Balanced said...

I can relate so well to this. I have a situation too that I want to be over. Its the not knowing and having to wait (patience/longsuffering) that is so difficult. I always keep the butterfly in mind.

Alana said...

What a great post! I know just what you mean and have been in the place. I love that song even though it can be so hard to sing. I will lift a prayer up for you today. Grace and peace to you!

Dana said...

this was a great post and so well written!!!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I wish more people would understand that happiness IS a choice in so many cases. You can choose to focus on the negative and wallow in self-pity, or focus on the positive and be happy. I choose happiness!
Love this post!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

There is an award for you on my blog.

sarah said...

wonderful post! You have such a way of encouraging others while expressing your own struggles and joys in life.

God Bless,

Growin' with it! said...

i've officially done the ugly cry again this morning. do you ever read a post from someone's blog and wish, so wish that you could put into words how much it has impacted your moment? that's me. thank you.

Retiredandcrazy said...

Been there, done that. Great description. In fact, that sounds trite, but I really, really do mean, great description.

SarahHub said...

I'm so in the twilight zone right now, and I completely know what you mean.

We sometimes sing that song at church. I remember before I was pregnant with Evie, singing it and crying at the same time.

dani said...

are you all ok, j???