The Twilight Zone

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Esmé's Mommy hijacking the blog again...

You know that feeling you get when you’ve taken the diagnostic tests for a serious illness and are waiting for the results from the doctor’s office? Or when a relationship is falling apart at the seams and you are holding on for dear life to preserve it? Or when you know there are going to be layoffs at work and you’re waiting to see if you’re one of the ones with a pink slip? Or when a loved one is in surgery and you’re praying he makes it through? Or you've taken the entrance exam and are waiting to see if your score is high enough to get in?

That’s the feeling I’ve been having.

Blessed be Your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s all as it should be
Blessed be Your name…

…when the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord

I sing this song, and it makes sense to me. I am reconciled to the outcome of my situation, good or bad. I know God will get me through it, either way, and I choose to bless His name.

What I’m having a hard time with, though, is the twilight zone. That period where I’m not sure if the outcome will be bright or dark, and I just want to know. That period of hopes born and dashed again and again. I just want to be able to get on with my life. While I’m in the twilight zone, I have a hard time blessing His name and enjoying the moment.

Back at the end of September, Genny at My Cup 2 Yours challenged us to contemplate what we would do if we had only one month to live. I kept waiting for the end of my twilight zone so I could focus on that idea. After all, if you have only one month to live, you want to be able to take charge of that month, plan it, make a list of things to do and people to build relationships with, live the month according to plan, and know at the end of the month that you’ve met your goals and achieved the desired outcome. Right?

Wrong. I just realized that yesterday. That is exactly the point. If you are forever waiting and praying for things to come together and make sense and fall under your control, you will miss all your opportunities to enjoy each moment and live in a way that makes it count.

So how can I survive this twilight zone? Does the answer lie in surrendering my personal goals and objectives, as lofty and high and perfect as they seem to be? And then not sitting around waiting for answers, but acting, only with His goals in mind instead of mine? Realizing that they may be far different than mine, and may have their purpose in the journey rather than in the destination?

And so I choose joy, even in the twilight zone. And I choose to enjoy the moments, even though I’m not sure of the goals or the destination.

And I feel peace. Finally. Even with the twilight zone music playing loudly in my ears.