Inspired by my cousin Mike’s blog, I made a list of things I’ve said to Esmé recently that I never dreamed I’d say to a 14-month-old:
- Please take your foot out of my mouth.
- How sweet! You’re feeding your dolly diaper rash cream!
- The doggy isn’t going to eat from an empty bowl no matter how much you shove it in his face. He needs food in his bowl before he eats. He doesn’t like to play pretend.
- I know it’s good to share, but please don’t share your dummy (pacifier) with the cat.
- No, you don’t have to pray between every bite. Once is enough. Come on, eat your food!
- No, you can’t have frog/duck/sheep at the table with you. I know he needs to eat, too, but not your food. You are such a good mommy to him, aren’t you?
- [After she pronounces it a ‘bah’] That’s a lemon, not a ball. It looks like a ball, but it is edible and smells – like a lemon. Here, taste it.
- What’s that bump in your onesie? Ah, a golf ball.
- PLEASE spit that rock out of your mouth. Your teeth are sharp enough already.
- Why does paper taste better to you than lettuce?
- Stop calling the company operator! She gets nervous when you breathe on the phone. Dial something other than ‘0’. Like a ‘7’, okay?
- Do NOT climb the ladder! Get off the ladder!! Don’t shake the ladder when you’re on it!!!
- That USB cord plugs in this hole, not that one. The power cable goes here. Now, don’t touch Mommy’s computer.
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